wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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