believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
