I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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