why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
