captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
