why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
