taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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