I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
