I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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