I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Randomize
