Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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