You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
