Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
it glows. i had to have it.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Edward fifth and chaser hands
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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