I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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