you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
