party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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