I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
