Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
