You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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