I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
