We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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