epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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