I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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