I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
COCAINE IS GR8
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize