I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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