I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Did I show you my penis last night?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
