saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
