this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
