She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
