This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
