i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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