what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
