My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Randomize
