I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
