I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
