My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
