New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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