it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
