guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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