I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
