When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The uberlube is also flammable
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
