I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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