if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
