i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize