i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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