My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
