Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
