I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We are all done wearing pants today
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
