When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
