i think my mom watched the whole time
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
