yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
