dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
