It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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