Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
