dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
