I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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