do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize