Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
