the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
