I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
