Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
