sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize