I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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