He uses pillows to masturbate.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
