Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
