if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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