Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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