I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
