Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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