Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
