i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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