Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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